Been thinking a lot today, missing him as usual as he's so far away. Sigh.
And then I thought back in time....
All through my life, right after a month after I was born, it seemed that the passage of time had ravaged my life and put forth so many barriers, one after another.
From the time I was one month old and growing up towards 5 years old, I have totally no recollection of who my parents were, having seen them only once a year. All I remember were my grandmother, my grandfather (who used to take me to the Esplanade, then dim sum and a duck drumstick) and his 2 other wives (grandma was third wife, and there was a second and a fourth...first one had passed away.)
I remember playing paper dolls under the table with the girl next door, looking out at the school opposite the house, and the trishaws of Penang whenever grandma took me on excursions to the market. I remember being a naughty mischievious kid who loved to slide down banisters and always getting hurt, a real tomboy of a girl who loved ice creams and jumped up every time the ice cream man's bells tingled.
Back to age 6 or 7, parents took me back to the south and here was a very strict upbringing. As a child, I had never mixed with neighbours' children, had never stepped onto the playground opposite my home.
Books were my only companions and as an imaginative kid who loved to dream, I always imagined myself as a princess from the planet saturn. Parents were always tough on me, and I had to be top 10 in the school (not just in the class). By the time I was 11, I remember being part of an all girls team who sang in school and performed all the love ballads that were the catchy hits way back in the early years.
Reaching secondary school, I made new friends. I was still one of the top students, and even helped my parents who were teachers, mark the examination sheets of students 5 years older than me. I was highly popular and very active in school, being the only Chinese to dance with the Malay troupe, choreograph plays, write poetry and speeches in both English and Malay. I was in all the top societies, ran the long distance marathon and seemed to do all the right things.
Yes when I was home, I was a total introvert, a very quiet person who never spoke much, always keeping to myself, reading, studying and watching tv. I indulged in drawing and painting then, always putting to memory scenes I saw or other paintings I saw, and reproducing them in watercolour or black line drawings at home. Sadly, my mom threw all these away when I left for KL.
The last 20 years were perhaps the toughest part of my life, deluged with sadness, trials and innumerable cries of despair. I always asked God, why me? I have never intentionally hurt anyone in my life, yet the tribulations that beset me, were highly challenging, too painful to write down...but these are the pains that are imbued within the soul and surface again when your mind wanders at moments like this.
Where do I go from here? Will my dreams for love and happiness be realised? The mind is assailed with questions and wonders...
And then I thought back in time....
All through my life, right after a month after I was born, it seemed that the passage of time had ravaged my life and put forth so many barriers, one after another.
From the time I was one month old and growing up towards 5 years old, I have totally no recollection of who my parents were, having seen them only once a year. All I remember were my grandmother, my grandfather (who used to take me to the Esplanade, then dim sum and a duck drumstick) and his 2 other wives (grandma was third wife, and there was a second and a fourth...first one had passed away.)
I remember playing paper dolls under the table with the girl next door, looking out at the school opposite the house, and the trishaws of Penang whenever grandma took me on excursions to the market. I remember being a naughty mischievious kid who loved to slide down banisters and always getting hurt, a real tomboy of a girl who loved ice creams and jumped up every time the ice cream man's bells tingled.
Back to age 6 or 7, parents took me back to the south and here was a very strict upbringing. As a child, I had never mixed with neighbours' children, had never stepped onto the playground opposite my home.
Books were my only companions and as an imaginative kid who loved to dream, I always imagined myself as a princess from the planet saturn. Parents were always tough on me, and I had to be top 10 in the school (not just in the class). By the time I was 11, I remember being part of an all girls team who sang in school and performed all the love ballads that were the catchy hits way back in the early years.
Reaching secondary school, I made new friends. I was still one of the top students, and even helped my parents who were teachers, mark the examination sheets of students 5 years older than me. I was highly popular and very active in school, being the only Chinese to dance with the Malay troupe, choreograph plays, write poetry and speeches in both English and Malay. I was in all the top societies, ran the long distance marathon and seemed to do all the right things.
Yes when I was home, I was a total introvert, a very quiet person who never spoke much, always keeping to myself, reading, studying and watching tv. I indulged in drawing and painting then, always putting to memory scenes I saw or other paintings I saw, and reproducing them in watercolour or black line drawings at home. Sadly, my mom threw all these away when I left for KL.
The last 20 years were perhaps the toughest part of my life, deluged with sadness, trials and innumerable cries of despair. I always asked God, why me? I have never intentionally hurt anyone in my life, yet the tribulations that beset me, were highly challenging, too painful to write down...but these are the pains that are imbued within the soul and surface again when your mind wanders at moments like this.
Where do I go from here? Will my dreams for love and happiness be realised? The mind is assailed with questions and wonders...
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